The fox who longed for grapes, beholds with pain The tempting clusters were too high to gain; Grieved in his heart he forced a careless smile, And cried ,‘They’re sharp and hardly worth my while’ Let’s just fully disclose one thing right now: I don’t have HBO and I’ve never seen “Girls.” What I have … Continue reading
Category Archives: Uncategorized
The Carrie Bradshaw Problem
For anyone who’s watched Sex and the City with a remotely critical mind, that title is about as descriptive as “The Blade of Grass” or “The Insufferable Maroon 5 Song.” Which Carrie Bradshaw Problem? That a part-time sex writer is unlikely to be sporting (and discarding) new pairs of $700 shoes every week and live in a … Continue reading
Internet dating with dignity and other masterpieces of fiction (Part II)
When discussing internet dating, I’ve had to start snapping rubber bands against my skin when I begin a sentence with “the problem with internet dating is…” To hear me tell it, internet dating is an unmitigated shit show with nothing to recommend it, which forces me to conduct uncomfortable soul-searching sitdowns with myself to answer the question of … Continue reading
Bad Medicine
Last week a lawyer who has a judgment in the thousands of dollars against me came into my work having no way of knowing that I am the person who, for the last three years, has sent him a check every month with a penis drawn in the memo line. I didn’t see any point in … Continue reading
Internet dating with dignity and other masterpieces of fiction (Part I)
It’s hard to come up with excuses for having a profile on a dating web site when “I would like a boyfriend” is not an option. And make no mistake, “I would like a boyfriend” is not an option. Besides flying in the face of smug coupled friends’ advice (which is sometimes “it happens when … Continue reading
Folie à Doo
I started a blog at the behest of a friend who commented on a Facebook post I made and told me I should. Yes, I realize this is how 100% of the deluded singers who audition for American Idol end up humiliating themselves on national television. But my mother assures me that if the whole writing … Continue reading
Abre los ojos
The four little lhasa apso sisters were huddled beneath the kennel bed; eight black little button eyes peeking out from behind four furry starfish faces. They were expensive for shelter girls, $400 each, but we explained that the occasional spendy pup helps pay for the stays of older, less cute dogs. If you say it in … Continue reading
An Anodyne
My gramma turned 90 a couple of weeks ago. At the beginning of the year the plan was to have a huge safari-theme party to tribute her heart’s unrealized desire to visit Africa. We were going to rent a hall, hire catering and do all of the other things able-bodied people half and one-third her … Continue reading
sartresque 