Go Away, Lena Dunham

The fox who longed for grapes, beholds with pain The tempting clusters were too high to gain; Grieved in his heart he forced a careless smile, And cried ,‘They’re sharp and hardly worth my while’ Let’s just fully disclose one thing right now: I don’t have HBO and I’ve never seen “Girls.” What I have … Continue reading

Internet dating with dignity and other masterpieces of fiction (Part II)

When discussing internet dating, I’ve had to start snapping rubber bands against my skin when I begin a sentence with “the problem with internet dating is…” To hear me tell it, internet dating is an unmitigated shit show with nothing to recommend it, which forces me to conduct uncomfortable soul-searching sitdowns with myself to answer the question of … Continue reading

Bad Medicine

Last week a lawyer who has a judgment in the thousands of dollars against me came into my work having no way of knowing that I am the person who, for the last three years,  has sent him a check every month with a penis drawn in the memo line. I didn’t see any point in … Continue reading

Folie à Doo

I started a blog at the behest of a friend who commented on a Facebook post I made and told me I should. Yes, I realize this is how 100% of the deluded singers who audition for American Idol end up humiliating themselves on national television. But my mother assures me that if the whole writing … Continue reading

Abre los ojos

The four little lhasa apso sisters were huddled beneath the kennel bed; eight black little button eyes peeking out from behind four furry starfish faces. They were expensive for shelter girls, $400 each, but we explained that the occasional spendy pup helps pay for the stays of older, less cute dogs. If you say it in … Continue reading